Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
