i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
