my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
