I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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