He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
