The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
