I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
MIDGETS
????
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
