I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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