I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
