You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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