i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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