She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
