Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
