hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
