if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
