can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
