I think I died a long time ago.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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