I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So many bounce houses so little time
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
