just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
