she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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