He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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