I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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