He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
