I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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