ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
