She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
