I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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