you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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