please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
