I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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