Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
