Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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