I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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