im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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