i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
