I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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