Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
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