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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
