highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
