I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
