she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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