I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
