chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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