Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
