I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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