I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
