was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
