apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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