I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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