I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
