saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We're too hungover to prance.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
